Despair and Desolution

If you're reading this then you've followed the link in my Facebook profile to this blog of mine, which I use when I'm down or annoyed, or very happy. It also probably means you're friends or family, or random outsiders. If you're the latter, please stop here. This content is not meant for you.

Most of the day I've been laying on my bed and thinking about a few things. Reason being in under 24 hours Vodafone took the last £5 of credit on the mobile broadband... for me using, what, 20mb of data in that period. I thought it was supposed to serve about 350mb? Jackasses. No more of that, hopefully the internet situation will be solved in a week or so (they'll be upgrading the line, I think, to cope with all 12 people). So I'm up at Uni typing this at.. 20:32, or half-past 8.

At this point in time I think it is safe to say I'm not coping with anything. I can't stick to the diet, for one. Despite my mental fortitude, I just cannot do it. I don't know why, precisely, it might be down to the downtime I have from not being at Uni, different schedules on different dates. Why am I even bothering to offer reasons, actually.. not like anyone will believe me. All I am to the family is some kind of liar or fraud. So I should just stop offering reasons here.

Essentially, I've failed on that side of things. University is fine, thankfully, as is work. I guess I've been running away from the diet issue. Living on your own is difficult, this much I've always said. I don't feel like I have much in the way of support, especially when people threaten to have a bust up if not under a certain weight by the end of the month. That's mental stress I don't want nor need. I'm already under enough pressure - finding a job without a 2:1 will be difficult. So I've got to be on top of my game.

So it's come to this. I'm alone and foresee it staying that way for the time being. I have to solve my issues alone, one way or another. Most of the day, I've been wondering what life would be like for people without having me around. And I came to the conclusion that for some, it would be better not to have me around. It would be a weight off of their shoulders. For others, it would completely and utterly shatter their world. It seems selfish to predict such things, but my knowledge of people and the psyche would suggest otherwise.

In short, I can't guarantee what'll happen to me at this point in time. Do not try and contact me whether it be by phone, email, in person or any other method. I have to come to my own conclusions here. And if I want to talk, I will do. If I don't, I won't. I have to at least have that perogative.

One thing is for sure, I'll be seeing the Doctor tomorrow and getting help, all being well. Enough is enough, though.